i started this post several days ago and almost didnt post it because there was some negative sentiments in here that i dont really want to dwell too much on. but decided to post it as a record lest i forget that i did and do have dark days when it does get to me...that it's not all swooning love and kissy face on ozzy's deliciously round cheeks every minute of every day.
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these days i do almost all of my posts while strapped up to the dual electric breast pump, or during those brief moments when ozzy naps and i have to gets some thoughts down.
i was reading some other momblogs and am always struck by how similar everyone's stories are... how the measure of a good day is judged by how many personal hygiene tasks you get completed (my makeup has been gathering dust), all the crying (the mom not the baby), and how no one else but another mother understands the constant demands of an infant...empathy, people, that's all we ask for! but unless you have had to live life around a newborns 2 hour cycle timeline of eat, play, sleep, eat play sleep, every two hours, 24/7, you will never know what that kind of torture (and it IS torture!) feels like.
i'm on day 75 of this and i can feel the scream welling up in the back of my throat, day in and day out. if i have to ask rob one more time to watch the baby so i can do something as basic as take a SHOWER every THIRD night, or god forbid, try to make dinner to feed my family...that scream threatening the back of my throat will come out with all the force of Katrina.
most days i am able to keep the scream at bay by reminding myself that this will pass so fast that one day i will gaze upon ozzy's face and see a grown boy, and it will make me sad that my baby is gone. i know this because i feel that way about mimi every day now. and i regret that i didnt just slow down and enjoy being with her w/o berating myself (or let rob berate me) for not getting everything done, when all that really mattered to me, the only reason why i even became a stay at home mom in the first place, was to provide my child with quality care and attention that only a mother (or father...i dont mean to down play the stay at home dads out there!) would sacrifice everything to give. maybe if i gave myself permission to just care for mimi and not stress over getting laundry done, dinner on, floors vacuumed (and believe me, i was HARD to get any of that in so i was CONSUMED with stressful guilt and feelings of failure), maybe i would have been less depressed w/the situation. i feel bad that mimi didnt have me fully present in the moment the way ozzy has me now. i often felt too depressed to even look at her some days.
ozzy is growing all too FAST. it truly does go by lightening fast with the second child. i remember at this point with mimi i was so depressed and unable to cope from lack of sleep and exhaustion and depression and the days just seemed to drag by at a glacial pace as i struggled to make it through the day and then the day would be over, but not better because i'd be terrified by the thought that tomorrow it would start all over again. with no end in sight. w/ozzy, i'm exhausted, sleep deprived, but keenly aware that this will pass all too soon and i'm afraid i will miss something if i blink.
while not getting myself washed, or the dinner on, or the floors vaccuumed (oh the dog hair!!!), does grate at me, the worst feeling is feeling like i'm not fully present for my first child, or having to divide my time between the two. i regret that ozzy will never get the kind of attention that mimi had from me and will always have to share me with mimi from day one. i regret that mimi has lost that singular time with me, when i was devoted to just her every day. that's a hard guilt to let go of.
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these days i do almost all of my posts while strapped up to the dual electric breast pump, or during those brief moments when ozzy naps and i have to gets some thoughts down.
i was reading some other momblogs and am always struck by how similar everyone's stories are... how the measure of a good day is judged by how many personal hygiene tasks you get completed (my makeup has been gathering dust), all the crying (the mom not the baby), and how no one else but another mother understands the constant demands of an infant...empathy, people, that's all we ask for! but unless you have had to live life around a newborns 2 hour cycle timeline of eat, play, sleep, eat play sleep, every two hours, 24/7, you will never know what that kind of torture (and it IS torture!) feels like.
i'm on day 75 of this and i can feel the scream welling up in the back of my throat, day in and day out. if i have to ask rob one more time to watch the baby so i can do something as basic as take a SHOWER every THIRD night, or god forbid, try to make dinner to feed my family...that scream threatening the back of my throat will come out with all the force of Katrina.
most days i am able to keep the scream at bay by reminding myself that this will pass so fast that one day i will gaze upon ozzy's face and see a grown boy, and it will make me sad that my baby is gone. i know this because i feel that way about mimi every day now. and i regret that i didnt just slow down and enjoy being with her w/o berating myself (or let rob berate me) for not getting everything done, when all that really mattered to me, the only reason why i even became a stay at home mom in the first place, was to provide my child with quality care and attention that only a mother (or father...i dont mean to down play the stay at home dads out there!) would sacrifice everything to give. maybe if i gave myself permission to just care for mimi and not stress over getting laundry done, dinner on, floors vacuumed (and believe me, i was HARD to get any of that in so i was CONSUMED with stressful guilt and feelings of failure), maybe i would have been less depressed w/the situation. i feel bad that mimi didnt have me fully present in the moment the way ozzy has me now. i often felt too depressed to even look at her some days.
ozzy is growing all too FAST. it truly does go by lightening fast with the second child. i remember at this point with mimi i was so depressed and unable to cope from lack of sleep and exhaustion and depression and the days just seemed to drag by at a glacial pace as i struggled to make it through the day and then the day would be over, but not better because i'd be terrified by the thought that tomorrow it would start all over again. with no end in sight. w/ozzy, i'm exhausted, sleep deprived, but keenly aware that this will pass all too soon and i'm afraid i will miss something if i blink.
while not getting myself washed, or the dinner on, or the floors vaccuumed (oh the dog hair!!!), does grate at me, the worst feeling is feeling like i'm not fully present for my first child, or having to divide my time between the two. i regret that ozzy will never get the kind of attention that mimi had from me and will always have to share me with mimi from day one. i regret that mimi has lost that singular time with me, when i was devoted to just her every day. that's a hard guilt to let go of.
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