i've blogged before about how hard it is to share my time between my two kids, especially since ozzy is still so little and needs so much of my time to care for him. i used to think that mimi would be better able to handle that aspect because she is old enough for me to explain the situation to her and can accept reason (to a degree of course, let's not forget that she is only 4 years old, after all). but i am finding that the reality of having ozzy latched onto me for the better part of the day like an extra appendage is not without its repercussions.
mimi has told me that she loves daddy more than me because i only love ozzy. she has told me that she doesnt think i love her because i only 'choose' to be with ozzy and not her. and of course no amount of 'splainin' does much good. i told her when ozzy is bigger he'll need me less and her response to that is "it's taking him too long to grow up." and she basically called me a liar because while i was pregnant i told her what a good thing having a sibling would be because she could play with him and she told me that 'he'll never be big enough in time to play with me." so here she got the shit end of the deal because not only does she feel like she has lost me, but she never got that promised playmate, either.
last night, i went to read her a bedtime story. she was taking forever to choose a book and i told her time was running out and her bedtime would be upon us and we wouldnt have time to read. she kept fussing that she couldnt pick a story. so i said i would pick one for her then. but no, that's not acceptable to her. so she's flinging books over her shoulders left and right, discarding each one with a 'nope. not that one. that's not a good one." and finally her bedtime comes and goes and i tell her i'm sorry but we are out of time. you had a chance to choose a story to read and you didnt do it, so now you have to go to bed without a story.
mimi's face crumples and mouth opens wide into a wailing siren. i'm sorry, i tell her. you had plenty of time to choose a book to read with me. maybe tomorrow night you will have some stories selected so we can spend the time reading together. (wailing gets louder). good night, mimi. i hope you'll make a better choice tomorrow. (exit room. wailing increases. i'm getting pissed off). mimi, go to bed now. no tears! i'm done with this! i tell her sternly. she can tell i'm about to lose it and she says meekly "okay, mommy" sniffles and turns onto her side and tries to sleep.
this morning when she wakes up, she comes into my bedroom while i'm nursing ozzy and she says, "mom, when i woke up this morning, i remembered you were mean to me and i remembered i was mad at you, so i wrote you this note." and she hands this to me:
a part of me was really hurt, another part wanted to beat the ever loving shit out of her, and another part of me was really proud that she spelled everything correctly by herself.
so i told her those words really hurt my heart and that i understood that she was upset with me that we didnt get to read together and it made me sad too but we dont tell each other we dont love each other. we can say, you made me mad, that hurt my feelings, it makes me angry when, but we dont hurt each other with the words "i dont love you." and we discussed what happened last night and i asked her who's fault was it that we didnt read a story last night? and she promptly points to me and says, "yours." i told her she had lots of time to pick a story last night and it was her job to pick the story, so i asked her again who's fault it was that there was no story to read last night. and she had a pout on her face and said in a grudging voice, "M. I. M. I." yes, i said. if you really need more time to chose stories for the night maybe it would help if you chose books earlier in the day. okay, she says, and goes to her room to select books to read. then she reenters my room with another note for me. this one says:
thank you mimi, i say. mom loves mimi, too. now run downstairs and get some cereal, we have swim class to get to. i'll be down as soon as i finish feeding ozzy.
okay, mom. says mimi as she bounds out the room. at the door she pauses, peers over her shoulders at me, and says "does that feel better card help your heart?"
it does, i tell her. thank you.
mimi has told me that she loves daddy more than me because i only love ozzy. she has told me that she doesnt think i love her because i only 'choose' to be with ozzy and not her. and of course no amount of 'splainin' does much good. i told her when ozzy is bigger he'll need me less and her response to that is "it's taking him too long to grow up." and she basically called me a liar because while i was pregnant i told her what a good thing having a sibling would be because she could play with him and she told me that 'he'll never be big enough in time to play with me." so here she got the shit end of the deal because not only does she feel like she has lost me, but she never got that promised playmate, either.
last night, i went to read her a bedtime story. she was taking forever to choose a book and i told her time was running out and her bedtime would be upon us and we wouldnt have time to read. she kept fussing that she couldnt pick a story. so i said i would pick one for her then. but no, that's not acceptable to her. so she's flinging books over her shoulders left and right, discarding each one with a 'nope. not that one. that's not a good one." and finally her bedtime comes and goes and i tell her i'm sorry but we are out of time. you had a chance to choose a story to read and you didnt do it, so now you have to go to bed without a story.
mimi's face crumples and mouth opens wide into a wailing siren. i'm sorry, i tell her. you had plenty of time to choose a book to read with me. maybe tomorrow night you will have some stories selected so we can spend the time reading together. (wailing gets louder). good night, mimi. i hope you'll make a better choice tomorrow. (exit room. wailing increases. i'm getting pissed off). mimi, go to bed now. no tears! i'm done with this! i tell her sternly. she can tell i'm about to lose it and she says meekly "okay, mommy" sniffles and turns onto her side and tries to sleep.
this morning when she wakes up, she comes into my bedroom while i'm nursing ozzy and she says, "mom, when i woke up this morning, i remembered you were mean to me and i remembered i was mad at you, so i wrote you this note." and she hands this to me:
a part of me was really hurt, another part wanted to beat the ever loving shit out of her, and another part of me was really proud that she spelled everything correctly by herself.
so i told her those words really hurt my heart and that i understood that she was upset with me that we didnt get to read together and it made me sad too but we dont tell each other we dont love each other. we can say, you made me mad, that hurt my feelings, it makes me angry when, but we dont hurt each other with the words "i dont love you." and we discussed what happened last night and i asked her who's fault was it that we didnt read a story last night? and she promptly points to me and says, "yours." i told her she had lots of time to pick a story last night and it was her job to pick the story, so i asked her again who's fault it was that there was no story to read last night. and she had a pout on her face and said in a grudging voice, "M. I. M. I." yes, i said. if you really need more time to chose stories for the night maybe it would help if you chose books earlier in the day. okay, she says, and goes to her room to select books to read. then she reenters my room with another note for me. this one says:
thank you mimi, i say. mom loves mimi, too. now run downstairs and get some cereal, we have swim class to get to. i'll be down as soon as i finish feeding ozzy.
okay, mom. says mimi as she bounds out the room. at the door she pauses, peers over her shoulders at me, and says "does that feel better card help your heart?"
it does, i tell her. thank you.
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