i had been hesitating about telling mimi about kaya...worried that she would be frightened by the topic of death. not so much that she would be broken up over kaya. i knew she would be sad and would miss kaya, but no where near as broken up as rob and i. no, i knew she would be more worried about death with regards to rob, me, or herself. so rob and i had been reading up on the topic online and talking to people to prepare ourselves to have this talk with her and i also ordered some children's books to read with mimi so we could answer her questions honestly but not freak her out.
a few nights ago, i thought i'd test the waters and casually said to her, "you know kaya is getting really old and not moving as fast as she used to."
mimi says, "is she gonna die?"
i answered very slowly, "well, someday, she will, but i dont know when it will happen. how will you feel when that happens?"
"sad," mimi says. "i'm going to miss her a lot." and then she got distracted by something in a book and was asking her usual litany of a million questions.
*************************************************
a few days later, i was running around the house trying to find kaya's pain meds, forgetting that rob had moved them all downstairs. as i was eyeing the clock, i muttered out loud, "where is kaya's medicine! i know it was here!"
mimi looks up from her drawing and says to me, "why does kaya need medicine?"
"well..." i answered, speaking slowly but my mind racing ahead, trying to figure out what to say, "you know kaya is getting really old. her bones dont work the way they used to. they are getting so old, one of them has stopped working and it hurts her really bad. so she needs medicine so it wont hurt."
"oh," says mimi. she keeps drawing. then she says, "is kaya gonna die?"
deep breath.
"one day she will." i answered simply.
"oh well, i better write a new story then," she says. several months ago, before we knew kaya was sick, mimi had written this story about kaya.
so she explains that "the old story i wrote wont be any good after kaya dies, so i better write a different one." i told her i thought it was a good idea to write a new story about kaya and maybe if she wrote it soon she could read it to kaya and let kaya know how much we love her. she thinks on this a bit and says in a way that suggests that she thinks mom is nutty for suggesting that she write for the dog, "well, then i guess i better write it with a lot of woof-woofs in it so she understands it."
*******************************************************
while driving mimi to soccer that evening, mimi says to me, "mom, am i going to die? i dont want to die. i'm scared."
and that was exactly what i was dreading this would lead to. "mimi, you wont die for a real real real long time. you're going to live for a looooong time. and mommy and daddy will live for a long time too. "
"but what if i die and my daughter needs me?" she asks. "who will take care of my daughter if i'm dead?"
"mimi, by the time you die, your daughter will be an old lady and have her own daughter to take care of, and probably a granddaughter, too!"
"but what if my daughter misses me and can't talk to me because i'm dead?"
"mimi, you will live on forever in your daughter's heart and she can talk you whenever she needs to."
"but how can she when i'm dead? you know, when my stuff stops working? i can't talk back if my stuff has stopped working!!" she tells me with this angry look on her face like she cant believe i'd be so dense. "when you die you can't talk! you can't eat! you can't take care of your kids! you know, you're dead..."
now, i'm totally exasperated and i glared back at her in the rear view mirror. "mimi! your daughter will be fine!" i grind out, halting her crazy spiel.
so much for all the crap that i read and having a meaningful heart to heart with my kid.
"O...kay!" she growls back. "well, what if i miss her?" she starts, then she gives an embarrassed chuckle and says, "oh yeah, i'll be dead. nothing will be working. so how can i miss her?"
**************************************************
after a long pause, when i thought she was done with the topic, then she says, 'mom, is there a way to live forever?'
"no. everything in the world has comes to an end at some point."
"i know! she says, "if i eat good food and exercise, then will i live forever?"
"no, but it will definitely help you live a good long healthy life."
"oh, well, if wont help you live forever, why do we even have to do it?" i had to keep from laughing at loud at her 'what's the point then?' attitude.
********************************************
the other night rob was telling me how bad kaya was hobbling, this even on several doses of three different pain meds 'round the clock. he thinks we'll have to put her down soon. i noticed her back right leg is also looking extremely stiff, like maybe trying to take the weight off the front left has been putting too much strain on her hips. poor baby. her body is just failing her so quickly.
i decided to tell mimi about kaya tonight, since it might be soon. from what i read, they warn not to use words like 'sick', 'passing', 'sleep' as all those send the wrong message and can make even benign things turn scary, like to say kaya was put to sleep, or someone died in their sleep, could make a kid fear sleep because they worry that they might die if they go to sleep. they also warned not to tell a kid that the animal had gone away, as children will not get closure and will keep expecting the animal to come back. also when children are old enough to understand what really happened later, they will then mistrust the parent for having lied to them about that and will wonder what else they were lied to about (sheesh, does this mean that santa claus, the easter bunny, and the toothfairy will come back to bite me in the ass later?). they say, honesty is best, but of course sharing only what is appropriate for the child's age. i will not tell mimi about our plan to euthanize kaya. it is not a concept she would understand at this age.
so, armed with the advice of experts, i told her that kaya's bones were diseased. i tried to avoid the word 'sick' because i didnt want her to associate all sicknesses with death. so i used the word diseased and told her it was a very serious disease that the doctors couldn't fix. and mimi immediately asks, is she gonna die? yes, i told her, soon, her body will stop working and she will die. oh, says mimi, and then are we going to bury her in our backyard? no, we can't bury her in our yard, so we're going to have her cremated. creamy-what?! asked mimi. cremated. what's that she asks. well, when you die, there's two things you can do with the body. one is to bury it underground and another is to burn it to ashes. oh, and then what? well, you can keep the ashes, bury the ashes, or like when Eemo Woo's dog died, she sprinkled his ashes in his favorite park. can we sprinkle kaya's ashes, too? sure, where should we sprinkle her ashes. kaya likes the playground, can we sprinkle it there? okay, i tell her.
i showed her a book called I'll Always Love You, which is a story about a boy and his dog that he grew up with since birth and it was fitting because mimi grew up with kaya, has never known a day without kaya. and like kaya, the dog in the book got old and his legs werent strong enough to go up and down the stairs any more. one day the boy wakes up and finds out the dog died in the middle of the night. they bury him and cry. and the boy remembers all the good times he had with the dog and knows that he'll always love him. mimi read thru the story very matter of factly, i'm getting all choked up and emotional kept envisioning my poor kaya getting old. mimi finishes the story and before i can ask her anything about it, she sees a word search at the end of the book and i'd already lost her attention to the puzzle. trying to get her back to the topic at hand, i asked, was that a good book? yes, she said. did you think it was sad? i asked. no, she said. do you want to ask me any questions? i asked her. no, she said. then she added, i'm gonna think of a way so i dont have to die.
from the background i read on kids her age, i learned that kids this age engage in magical thinking when it comes to death. they believe they can escape it. it's just where she is developmentally. i know i can't change her mind or tell her she's wrong. she won't believe me. she truly believes there's a way around it at this point in her life.
anyway, at this point she holding the book and screaming, "mom! i found CAT! there's FROG! oh, that's not NAK! i thought it was NAK. that's SNAKE!"
"okay, i told her. as soon as you're done with that puzzle, it's lights out and bedtime."
"okay, mom" she says, without even looking up from the word search.
"i mean it."
"O...kay!"
"i love you." i say, as i shower her face with kisses. she's too focused on the puzzle to notice me.
and i think, kids and dogs have it right...they dont get hung up on stuff. they just live in the moment.
--------------------------------------
finding out about kaya's illness The Diagnosis
kaya's final moments with us Saying Goodbye to Kaya
mimi's goodbye picture to kaya
a few nights ago, i thought i'd test the waters and casually said to her, "you know kaya is getting really old and not moving as fast as she used to."
mimi says, "is she gonna die?"
i answered very slowly, "well, someday, she will, but i dont know when it will happen. how will you feel when that happens?"
"sad," mimi says. "i'm going to miss her a lot." and then she got distracted by something in a book and was asking her usual litany of a million questions.
*************************************************
a few days later, i was running around the house trying to find kaya's pain meds, forgetting that rob had moved them all downstairs. as i was eyeing the clock, i muttered out loud, "where is kaya's medicine! i know it was here!"
mimi looks up from her drawing and says to me, "why does kaya need medicine?"
"well..." i answered, speaking slowly but my mind racing ahead, trying to figure out what to say, "you know kaya is getting really old. her bones dont work the way they used to. they are getting so old, one of them has stopped working and it hurts her really bad. so she needs medicine so it wont hurt."
"oh," says mimi. she keeps drawing. then she says, "is kaya gonna die?"
deep breath.
"one day she will." i answered simply.
"oh well, i better write a new story then," she says. several months ago, before we knew kaya was sick, mimi had written this story about kaya.
so she explains that "the old story i wrote wont be any good after kaya dies, so i better write a different one." i told her i thought it was a good idea to write a new story about kaya and maybe if she wrote it soon she could read it to kaya and let kaya know how much we love her. she thinks on this a bit and says in a way that suggests that she thinks mom is nutty for suggesting that she write for the dog, "well, then i guess i better write it with a lot of woof-woofs in it so she understands it."
*******************************************************
while driving mimi to soccer that evening, mimi says to me, "mom, am i going to die? i dont want to die. i'm scared."
and that was exactly what i was dreading this would lead to. "mimi, you wont die for a real real real long time. you're going to live for a looooong time. and mommy and daddy will live for a long time too. "
"but what if i die and my daughter needs me?" she asks. "who will take care of my daughter if i'm dead?"
"mimi, by the time you die, your daughter will be an old lady and have her own daughter to take care of, and probably a granddaughter, too!"
"but what if my daughter misses me and can't talk to me because i'm dead?"
"mimi, you will live on forever in your daughter's heart and she can talk you whenever she needs to."
"but how can she when i'm dead? you know, when my stuff stops working? i can't talk back if my stuff has stopped working!!" she tells me with this angry look on her face like she cant believe i'd be so dense. "when you die you can't talk! you can't eat! you can't take care of your kids! you know, you're dead..."
now, i'm totally exasperated and i glared back at her in the rear view mirror. "mimi! your daughter will be fine!" i grind out, halting her crazy spiel.
so much for all the crap that i read and having a meaningful heart to heart with my kid.
"O...kay!" she growls back. "well, what if i miss her?" she starts, then she gives an embarrassed chuckle and says, "oh yeah, i'll be dead. nothing will be working. so how can i miss her?"
**************************************************
after a long pause, when i thought she was done with the topic, then she says, 'mom, is there a way to live forever?'
"no. everything in the world has comes to an end at some point."
"i know! she says, "if i eat good food and exercise, then will i live forever?"
"no, but it will definitely help you live a good long healthy life."
"oh, well, if wont help you live forever, why do we even have to do it?" i had to keep from laughing at loud at her 'what's the point then?' attitude.
********************************************
the other night rob was telling me how bad kaya was hobbling, this even on several doses of three different pain meds 'round the clock. he thinks we'll have to put her down soon. i noticed her back right leg is also looking extremely stiff, like maybe trying to take the weight off the front left has been putting too much strain on her hips. poor baby. her body is just failing her so quickly.
i decided to tell mimi about kaya tonight, since it might be soon. from what i read, they warn not to use words like 'sick', 'passing', 'sleep' as all those send the wrong message and can make even benign things turn scary, like to say kaya was put to sleep, or someone died in their sleep, could make a kid fear sleep because they worry that they might die if they go to sleep. they also warned not to tell a kid that the animal had gone away, as children will not get closure and will keep expecting the animal to come back. also when children are old enough to understand what really happened later, they will then mistrust the parent for having lied to them about that and will wonder what else they were lied to about (sheesh, does this mean that santa claus, the easter bunny, and the toothfairy will come back to bite me in the ass later?). they say, honesty is best, but of course sharing only what is appropriate for the child's age. i will not tell mimi about our plan to euthanize kaya. it is not a concept she would understand at this age.
so, armed with the advice of experts, i told her that kaya's bones were diseased. i tried to avoid the word 'sick' because i didnt want her to associate all sicknesses with death. so i used the word diseased and told her it was a very serious disease that the doctors couldn't fix. and mimi immediately asks, is she gonna die? yes, i told her, soon, her body will stop working and she will die. oh, says mimi, and then are we going to bury her in our backyard? no, we can't bury her in our yard, so we're going to have her cremated. creamy-what?! asked mimi. cremated. what's that she asks. well, when you die, there's two things you can do with the body. one is to bury it underground and another is to burn it to ashes. oh, and then what? well, you can keep the ashes, bury the ashes, or like when Eemo Woo's dog died, she sprinkled his ashes in his favorite park. can we sprinkle kaya's ashes, too? sure, where should we sprinkle her ashes. kaya likes the playground, can we sprinkle it there? okay, i tell her.
i showed her a book called I'll Always Love You, which is a story about a boy and his dog that he grew up with since birth and it was fitting because mimi grew up with kaya, has never known a day without kaya. and like kaya, the dog in the book got old and his legs werent strong enough to go up and down the stairs any more. one day the boy wakes up and finds out the dog died in the middle of the night. they bury him and cry. and the boy remembers all the good times he had with the dog and knows that he'll always love him. mimi read thru the story very matter of factly, i'm getting all choked up and emotional kept envisioning my poor kaya getting old. mimi finishes the story and before i can ask her anything about it, she sees a word search at the end of the book and i'd already lost her attention to the puzzle. trying to get her back to the topic at hand, i asked, was that a good book? yes, she said. did you think it was sad? i asked. no, she said. do you want to ask me any questions? i asked her. no, she said. then she added, i'm gonna think of a way so i dont have to die.
from the background i read on kids her age, i learned that kids this age engage in magical thinking when it comes to death. they believe they can escape it. it's just where she is developmentally. i know i can't change her mind or tell her she's wrong. she won't believe me. she truly believes there's a way around it at this point in her life.
anyway, at this point she holding the book and screaming, "mom! i found CAT! there's FROG! oh, that's not NAK! i thought it was NAK. that's SNAKE!"
"okay, i told her. as soon as you're done with that puzzle, it's lights out and bedtime."
"okay, mom" she says, without even looking up from the word search.
"i mean it."
"O...kay!"
"i love you." i say, as i shower her face with kisses. she's too focused on the puzzle to notice me.
and i think, kids and dogs have it right...they dont get hung up on stuff. they just live in the moment.
--------------------------------------
finding out about kaya's illness The Diagnosis
kaya's final moments with us Saying Goodbye to Kaya
mimi's goodbye picture to kaya
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