we never imagined that kaya could be so sick.
when we returned from the beach trip on labor day weekend, we figured kaya was tired. we knew she was getting old. we knew her hips were arthritic. we knew she would be really tired after a week at the beach.
we didnt know how bad it really was.
after our return from the beach, rob noticed kaya wasnt eating her food, which almost never happens...a bigger food slut was never born. so when he noted that she was skipping meals we started to worry, but figured it was because she was tired and her arthritis might be acting up after running around at the beach, and she was limping a little, like her left front leg was bothering her. but she was putting weight on all four feet, so we dismissed it as a simple tweak that should resolve itself. a couple of days later, she ate, but then the following day was back to not eating again. we discussed getting her checked out by the vet, but also adopted a wait and see attitude to see if she just needed a bit more rest.
the next day, i saw kaya moving around the house and she wasnt putting any weight on that front leg. i remember having taken kaya to the vet years ago when she was limping after wiping out on the wet grass while rough housing with her doggie friends, and her vet told me she was fine and that usually if they put weight on their feet, it's not a big concern. that she wasnt putting her left paw down at all set off alarm bells and i told rob we should take her in to get checked out because the only other dog i ever saw not put any weight on his leg had torn his ACL. so, we were planning to take her that evening when rob came home from work.
that afternoon, as i got ready to leave the house with ozzy to pick up mimi from school, i see kaya laying on the middle landing of the stairs, her head was lolling weakly, and she looked at me with these really wide eyes, the whites showing when usually its a warm deep brown all over, and i noticed her breathing seemed off, like she was out of breath. but she had been laying still all day, so that didnt make sense to me. i called rob as soon as i could and told him what i saw and that it reminded me of the way my last dog looked as she was dying of cancer. so rob said he would take kaya to Southpaws as soon as he came home from work, which he was going to do anyway, but this just solidified that decision.
rob came home around 7:30, took kaya to Southpaws and was there until 11 pm, only coming home to eat dinner because they were still checking kaya out. they agreed to give us a call when they were done. it was almost 1 a.m. when the phone rang. rob and i were both up still. rob had been waiting for the call to come back and i just couldnt sleep until i knew if kaya would be okay. when the call came, rob took the call, and from his tone i gathered it was pretty serious. i'm thinking, crap, she fractured her bone.
rob hangs up the phone and gets ready to go back to Southpaws, he tells me that kaya has cancer and it doesnt look good. i know he said more than that to me, but my mind was trying so hard to block out everything he was telling me. it was too hard to hear. i couldnt even look at him. the tears just kept coming and coming and i couldnt breathe. as he got up to leave, he gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze and apologetically noted that he probably should have just waited to tell me after he got back. i dont know that that would have been much better, since i probably would have been up all night imagining every bad senario anyway.
when rob left and i was alone, i thought i was going to go out of my mind. i didnt know what to do with that information he had left me with. what the hell am i supposed to do with that!!! i needed to talk to someone. i couldnt just sit here alone with something so heavy. so i called my older sister, even tho it was 1 a.m. in the morning, i knew she kept late hours and not likely to be asleep just yet (thank God for that!!!). i dont even remember what she said to me, but i remember just crying a lot. and then the thought crossed my mind, what if kaya needs to be put down tonight!?! and i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to her?!? my sister talked me thru a lot of the grief that i was feeling and then i heard the garage door opening and knew rob had returned, so i hung up, feeling like i got some control over my emotions, and hurried downstairs to see my poor sweet kaya.
but rob returned alone.
i felt a momentary panic. rob explained kaya was staying the night at Southpaws and we could get her tomorrow. i dont remember why she had to stay overnight...maybe it had something to do with the oncologist coming in the next day to check her out. i dont know. stupid details. my sweet girl has cancer. that's all i could think about.
rob asked me if i wanted to hear about kaya's diagnosis. i steeled myself for what he had to say, preparing myself for the worst and hoping that it wasnt as bad as i could imagine so i'd feel some sense of relief when the bad news was over and the good news came. problem was, there was no good news. just bad news and worse news.
kaya has osteosarcoma, that is, bone cancer.
"Osteosarcoma is unfortunately a fast spreading tumor. By the time the tumor is found in the limb, it is considered to have already spread. Osteosarcoma spreads to the lung in a malignant process called “metastasis.” "
it is an aggressive, highly metastatic cancer. usually the treatment involves amputation of the affected limb and 4 rounds of chemo over the course of 4 months (and possibly another 4 rounds after that). but even with all that, there's no guarantee that all would be well. 30% get to live on for another 10 months or so. kaya, however could not have her leg amputated. her other legs are not strong enough to sustain such a loss. and her hefty size does not help matters either.
we considered whether chemo was a good option for kaya and again, chemo treatment isnt a happy fix either. she would have to go to the vet every couple of weeks for a six hour IV drip, followed by 3 days of sickness from the drugs, coupled with her great distress at being at the vets (we often had the vet come to our house for reg shots/check ups because she is out of control terrified by any animal hospital), and either heart or kidney damage depending on which drug you choose, take your pick.
we didnt want to subject kaya to so much for a 30% chance to extend her life for a few more months. so we opted to manage her pain in the meantime, give her lots of loving, her favorite treats, gentle playtime, and make her last days with us good, happy, stress-free days. when it becomes clear that her days are worse than better, we'll make the call to have her euthanized.
i remember the day we brought kaya home. i was holding her in my arms while rob drove us home, and i got very sad and choked up because even then, when she was a tiny barely 5 pound fuzz ball, i could already feel the shortness of her time with us and how sad i would be to lose her. it had been two years after i had to put my dog, kelly, down. i never forgot how terrible that experience was. i told rob that when it was time for kaya, i could not be the one to take her to the vet to have her euthanized.
since finding out about kaya's diagnosis and knowing what we'd eventually have to do, rob found a vet that comes to your home to euthanize your pet in the loving comfort of home instead of the cold, clinical animal hospital. we think that would be the best for kaya.
so now, it's just a wait and see. in the meantime, rob has been carrying kaya's 125 pound self up and down the stairs several times a day, she's on pain meds 'round the clock, and rob's set up a bed downstairs to sleep near kaya, since she's not able to sleep upstairs with him at night. mostly she spends the day laying down on her side or back, every now and then she'll hobble around, but not really putting weight on her affect leg still. despite her pain, if someone forgets to block off the stairs completely, she'll find a way to get upstairs to be with us, hauling herself up or down the stairs, which is so bad because tumor makes her bone so fragile it can break easily. breaks in the tumorous bone will not heal. i have never wanted a single level home more than i have these past two weeks. it sucks that even our main level is up a flight of stairs!
we havent told mimi about kaya yet. we are still working out how to share the news with her. we've read up on everything we can find on the internet, i've ordered some childrens' books about losing a pet, and plan to speak with the director of mimi's old school for some support.
rob and i have slowly come to grips with the reality of the situation. it was so awful the first many days after the diagnosis. rob couldnt sleep at night and i couldnt stop crying all day. but we've gotten to a point of acceptance now, which oddly enough, feels almost like normalcy, and i can almost forget that kaya will no longer be with us in the near future, because she's moving around and eating her food, and almost seems to be her old self, like she has many years of good living in her yet. maybe i dont want to acknowledge what's to come...maybe i'm happy with the delusion and glad to embrace whatever normalcy i can right now.
---------------------------------
to find out how we got mimi ready for kaya's impending death Explaining Death to a Five Year Old
kaya's final moments with us Saying Goodbye to Kaya
mimi's goodbye picture to kaya
when we returned from the beach trip on labor day weekend, we figured kaya was tired. we knew she was getting old. we knew her hips were arthritic. we knew she would be really tired after a week at the beach.
we didnt know how bad it really was.
after our return from the beach, rob noticed kaya wasnt eating her food, which almost never happens...a bigger food slut was never born. so when he noted that she was skipping meals we started to worry, but figured it was because she was tired and her arthritis might be acting up after running around at the beach, and she was limping a little, like her left front leg was bothering her. but she was putting weight on all four feet, so we dismissed it as a simple tweak that should resolve itself. a couple of days later, she ate, but then the following day was back to not eating again. we discussed getting her checked out by the vet, but also adopted a wait and see attitude to see if she just needed a bit more rest.
the next day, i saw kaya moving around the house and she wasnt putting any weight on that front leg. i remember having taken kaya to the vet years ago when she was limping after wiping out on the wet grass while rough housing with her doggie friends, and her vet told me she was fine and that usually if they put weight on their feet, it's not a big concern. that she wasnt putting her left paw down at all set off alarm bells and i told rob we should take her in to get checked out because the only other dog i ever saw not put any weight on his leg had torn his ACL. so, we were planning to take her that evening when rob came home from work.
that afternoon, as i got ready to leave the house with ozzy to pick up mimi from school, i see kaya laying on the middle landing of the stairs, her head was lolling weakly, and she looked at me with these really wide eyes, the whites showing when usually its a warm deep brown all over, and i noticed her breathing seemed off, like she was out of breath. but she had been laying still all day, so that didnt make sense to me. i called rob as soon as i could and told him what i saw and that it reminded me of the way my last dog looked as she was dying of cancer. so rob said he would take kaya to Southpaws as soon as he came home from work, which he was going to do anyway, but this just solidified that decision.
rob came home around 7:30, took kaya to Southpaws and was there until 11 pm, only coming home to eat dinner because they were still checking kaya out. they agreed to give us a call when they were done. it was almost 1 a.m. when the phone rang. rob and i were both up still. rob had been waiting for the call to come back and i just couldnt sleep until i knew if kaya would be okay. when the call came, rob took the call, and from his tone i gathered it was pretty serious. i'm thinking, crap, she fractured her bone.
rob hangs up the phone and gets ready to go back to Southpaws, he tells me that kaya has cancer and it doesnt look good. i know he said more than that to me, but my mind was trying so hard to block out everything he was telling me. it was too hard to hear. i couldnt even look at him. the tears just kept coming and coming and i couldnt breathe. as he got up to leave, he gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze and apologetically noted that he probably should have just waited to tell me after he got back. i dont know that that would have been much better, since i probably would have been up all night imagining every bad senario anyway.
when rob left and i was alone, i thought i was going to go out of my mind. i didnt know what to do with that information he had left me with. what the hell am i supposed to do with that!!! i needed to talk to someone. i couldnt just sit here alone with something so heavy. so i called my older sister, even tho it was 1 a.m. in the morning, i knew she kept late hours and not likely to be asleep just yet (thank God for that!!!). i dont even remember what she said to me, but i remember just crying a lot. and then the thought crossed my mind, what if kaya needs to be put down tonight!?! and i didnt get a chance to say goodbye to her?!? my sister talked me thru a lot of the grief that i was feeling and then i heard the garage door opening and knew rob had returned, so i hung up, feeling like i got some control over my emotions, and hurried downstairs to see my poor sweet kaya.
but rob returned alone.
i felt a momentary panic. rob explained kaya was staying the night at Southpaws and we could get her tomorrow. i dont remember why she had to stay overnight...maybe it had something to do with the oncologist coming in the next day to check her out. i dont know. stupid details. my sweet girl has cancer. that's all i could think about.
rob asked me if i wanted to hear about kaya's diagnosis. i steeled myself for what he had to say, preparing myself for the worst and hoping that it wasnt as bad as i could imagine so i'd feel some sense of relief when the bad news was over and the good news came. problem was, there was no good news. just bad news and worse news.
kaya has osteosarcoma, that is, bone cancer.
"Osteosarcoma is unfortunately a fast spreading tumor. By the time the tumor is found in the limb, it is considered to have already spread. Osteosarcoma spreads to the lung in a malignant process called “metastasis.” "
it is an aggressive, highly metastatic cancer. usually the treatment involves amputation of the affected limb and 4 rounds of chemo over the course of 4 months (and possibly another 4 rounds after that). but even with all that, there's no guarantee that all would be well. 30% get to live on for another 10 months or so. kaya, however could not have her leg amputated. her other legs are not strong enough to sustain such a loss. and her hefty size does not help matters either.
we considered whether chemo was a good option for kaya and again, chemo treatment isnt a happy fix either. she would have to go to the vet every couple of weeks for a six hour IV drip, followed by 3 days of sickness from the drugs, coupled with her great distress at being at the vets (we often had the vet come to our house for reg shots/check ups because she is out of control terrified by any animal hospital), and either heart or kidney damage depending on which drug you choose, take your pick.
we didnt want to subject kaya to so much for a 30% chance to extend her life for a few more months. so we opted to manage her pain in the meantime, give her lots of loving, her favorite treats, gentle playtime, and make her last days with us good, happy, stress-free days. when it becomes clear that her days are worse than better, we'll make the call to have her euthanized.
i remember the day we brought kaya home. i was holding her in my arms while rob drove us home, and i got very sad and choked up because even then, when she was a tiny barely 5 pound fuzz ball, i could already feel the shortness of her time with us and how sad i would be to lose her. it had been two years after i had to put my dog, kelly, down. i never forgot how terrible that experience was. i told rob that when it was time for kaya, i could not be the one to take her to the vet to have her euthanized.
since finding out about kaya's diagnosis and knowing what we'd eventually have to do, rob found a vet that comes to your home to euthanize your pet in the loving comfort of home instead of the cold, clinical animal hospital. we think that would be the best for kaya.
so now, it's just a wait and see. in the meantime, rob has been carrying kaya's 125 pound self up and down the stairs several times a day, she's on pain meds 'round the clock, and rob's set up a bed downstairs to sleep near kaya, since she's not able to sleep upstairs with him at night. mostly she spends the day laying down on her side or back, every now and then she'll hobble around, but not really putting weight on her affect leg still. despite her pain, if someone forgets to block off the stairs completely, she'll find a way to get upstairs to be with us, hauling herself up or down the stairs, which is so bad because tumor makes her bone so fragile it can break easily. breaks in the tumorous bone will not heal. i have never wanted a single level home more than i have these past two weeks. it sucks that even our main level is up a flight of stairs!
we havent told mimi about kaya yet. we are still working out how to share the news with her. we've read up on everything we can find on the internet, i've ordered some childrens' books about losing a pet, and plan to speak with the director of mimi's old school for some support.
rob and i have slowly come to grips with the reality of the situation. it was so awful the first many days after the diagnosis. rob couldnt sleep at night and i couldnt stop crying all day. but we've gotten to a point of acceptance now, which oddly enough, feels almost like normalcy, and i can almost forget that kaya will no longer be with us in the near future, because she's moving around and eating her food, and almost seems to be her old self, like she has many years of good living in her yet. maybe i dont want to acknowledge what's to come...maybe i'm happy with the delusion and glad to embrace whatever normalcy i can right now.
---------------------------------
to find out how we got mimi ready for kaya's impending death Explaining Death to a Five Year Old
kaya's final moments with us Saying Goodbye to Kaya
mimi's goodbye picture to kaya
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