kaya's condition worsened one weekend. i found her lying in the corner of the dining room, whimpering. this even while on 6 tablets of tramadol, 2 capsules of gabapentin, 1 large dose of liquid metacam, plus pepcid ac to ease stomach discomfort from the meds. she hadnt touched her food. we increased all of her pain medications to try to ease her obvious pain. her fur seemed to be in a constant state of heavy shed and the large flakes of scabby dander seemed to be ever present no matter how much i tried to brush it off. she wasnt putting weight on her affected leg, and a noticeable protuberance, as round as a baseball, suddenly appeared at the top of her leg where the cancerous tumor grew in her bone. getting up and then laying down was ever so slow, and with great effort. her back legs were so stiff, she was struggling to even get into position to empty her bowels. (and yet, when a friend came to visit or a tennis ball came out, suddenly she would get a spring in her step...while the cancer could tear down her body, it still couldn't kill her spirit or joy.)
we knew we would have to put her down soon, before her condition made her suffer any greater. we didnt want her to suffer so terribly before we gave her relief from the pain. it was the toughest decision to have to make. an absolute terrible decision. but faced with the only other option of her suffering, it is the kinder of the two. and while that decision is so very difficult, even harder is making the decision on when the time is right.
given the nature of her illness, i believe any time after the lameness sets in and the diagnosis is made is the right time. while i think rob thinks that having her on pain meds and prolonging her life was in her best interest because he believes she had life in her yet worth living, in my heart, i started to see it as more of a self-serving act, done because we werent yet ready to let her go. not that i would change any of it if i were to do it over. i think we did the right thing. we took care of her in her sickness, surrounded her with love, and slowly made our way towards excepting that this was goodbye. i only wish we could have somehow prepared her for what was coming, she couldnt have known that her life would end so abruptly. i'm sure when animals are at death's door, they must intuit that their end is near, but not until after they have suffered greatly and their body is shutting down. we wanted to spare of her the cancer's agonizing end, but in doing so, it left us feeling sad that we coudn't communicate it to her and how she must have just been blindsided by how sudden it was. there's no perfect way to end it, but given our choices, i truly believe we did the best we could.
so wednesday evening, rob's parents took mimi out to dinner and the vet from compassionate care came to our house. he had a very soothing, solemn demeanor. he reassured us that we were doing the right thing, and as a vet and owner of several cats and dogs, that he would have done all the same things we were if it were him. he explained what he would do. we gathered in the family room. kaya was not nervous at all and was happy to have company over. we gave her lots of hugs and ear rubs and told her how much we loved her. ozzy wandered around from toy to toy, not paying us any attention.
the vet administered a shot of anesthesia while we hugged and petted kaya. for some reason i thought it was just a sedative and that she would be alert but calm. neither rob nor i were prepared to have her knocked out, so it was a bit of a shock to us when she went under. we thought we would have a little more time with her, so in essence, her last moments with us were just before the anesthesia kicked in. that was a terrible shock for us. then the vet put in a line of sodium pentobarbital and checked her heart and then told us she was gone. just like that. she slipped away from us, from this world.
i had been crying off and on since the vet arrived, and after that it was hard to keep the tears from streaming. then we helped the vet wrap up kaya's body. the blanket he had was a bit too small to cover her easily, so it took some effort and both rob and i squelched the desire to tell him to be more gentle, that maybe it was hurting kaya. we were so caught up in this task and grieving, we had quite forgotten about ozzy, until we all heard a sound and looked up. there was ozzy, standing there watching us wrap kaya, he had this terribly distressed look on his face and he started to cry. rob was telling me to get ozzy out of here, and i'm struggling to get to my feet fast enough to take him away from the scene. and i'm imagining how horrifying it must be to see us there on the floor wrapping up our sweet dog. we honestly didnt think he'd understand or notice anything at 14 months of age, but we didnt give him enough credit. i hope we didnt traumatize him for life.
rob carried kaya's body down the stairs to the vets car to be taken to the crematorium. i stayed inside with ozzy. i did peer out once to see the car. i imagined some kind of hearse, but it was the vet's SUV. i couldnt picture kaya back there. i couldnt picture her going away from our home. in my mind, though i could no longer see her, i imagined she was still here. rob, though, carried her down the long front steps, put her in the car, and watched the car drive away with our girl. when he came inside, he was taking big gulping breaths through his sobs, he sat down in the dining room, face in his hands. i hugged him as he sat and cried with him until ozzy came toddling over and demanding to be held, "up! up!" i picked him up and hugged him tight, still crying. he struggled to get out of my too tight hug so i put him back down.
we decided we would wait until the next day, after school to tell mimi. when she came home that night, we got her ready for bed. she didnt notice anything unusual. same the following morning. rob took mimi to school. when he came home he told me a number of his friends had sent him a link to read the Rainbow Bridge poem. i had read it in my search for ways to talk to kids about death. i guess it comforts some, but it seemed like a paltry attempt at soothing such a great loss as we felt for kaya. the night before, i had finished a slideshow tribute for kaya with the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'. i think i watched it 3 or 4 times that day while mimi was in school, tearing up each time.
when mimi came home from school, rob and i sat her down to tell her the news. i started by reminding her about how sick kaya was and told her that she had died, that her body had stopped working (later that evening, she would tell her grandma that kaya had died because her batteries stopped working). she was still for a moment processing this info. then her face scrunched up in sadness and she said thru her sobs, 'i dont want kaya to die.' i held her and i couldnt stop crying either. and then rob held her. and together, we answered all of her questions as best as we could . and when she asked if we could bury kaya's body, we explained that kaya had been cremated. since mimi didnt get a chance to really say goodbye to kaya when we did, we knew it was important for her to be able to do so and gain closure, so we asked her if she wanted to say goodbye to kaya and take kaya's ashes to her favorite places.
i gave mimi the urn which she insisted on holding all the way down to the large field where kaya like to play fetch. rob was concerned she might drop it and break it, but she held on tightly and when i offered to carry it for her she told me, "no thanks, i should carry her because she was very special to me." i helped mimi scatter the ashes on the large open field and then we walked to the playground where kaya often accompanied us to sprinkle the rest, as we left the field, mimi says into the urn at the ashes, "come on, kaya. let's go to the playground". when we got near the playground, mimi spoke softly into the urn, saying, "kaya, i love you, kaya. i'm gonna really miss you." then she sprinkled out the last of the ashes.
we stayed on the playground, which is right by our house and sat on the swings and remembered all the good times we had with kaya. and as we were swinging, mimi looks up into the heavens and there, though there hasnt been any rain for days and barely any clouds in the sky, there very clearly, stretched a huge, bright beautiful rainbow, hanging over the rooftop of our home, shining down on rob, mimi, ozzy, and me.
(w/sound)
finding out about kaya's illness The Diagnosis
getting mimi ready for kaya's death Explaining Death to a Five Year Old
mimi's goodbye picture to kaya
we knew we would have to put her down soon, before her condition made her suffer any greater. we didnt want her to suffer so terribly before we gave her relief from the pain. it was the toughest decision to have to make. an absolute terrible decision. but faced with the only other option of her suffering, it is the kinder of the two. and while that decision is so very difficult, even harder is making the decision on when the time is right.
given the nature of her illness, i believe any time after the lameness sets in and the diagnosis is made is the right time. while i think rob thinks that having her on pain meds and prolonging her life was in her best interest because he believes she had life in her yet worth living, in my heart, i started to see it as more of a self-serving act, done because we werent yet ready to let her go. not that i would change any of it if i were to do it over. i think we did the right thing. we took care of her in her sickness, surrounded her with love, and slowly made our way towards excepting that this was goodbye. i only wish we could have somehow prepared her for what was coming, she couldnt have known that her life would end so abruptly. i'm sure when animals are at death's door, they must intuit that their end is near, but not until after they have suffered greatly and their body is shutting down. we wanted to spare of her the cancer's agonizing end, but in doing so, it left us feeling sad that we coudn't communicate it to her and how she must have just been blindsided by how sudden it was. there's no perfect way to end it, but given our choices, i truly believe we did the best we could.
so wednesday evening, rob's parents took mimi out to dinner and the vet from compassionate care came to our house. he had a very soothing, solemn demeanor. he reassured us that we were doing the right thing, and as a vet and owner of several cats and dogs, that he would have done all the same things we were if it were him. he explained what he would do. we gathered in the family room. kaya was not nervous at all and was happy to have company over. we gave her lots of hugs and ear rubs and told her how much we loved her. ozzy wandered around from toy to toy, not paying us any attention.
the vet administered a shot of anesthesia while we hugged and petted kaya. for some reason i thought it was just a sedative and that she would be alert but calm. neither rob nor i were prepared to have her knocked out, so it was a bit of a shock to us when she went under. we thought we would have a little more time with her, so in essence, her last moments with us were just before the anesthesia kicked in. that was a terrible shock for us. then the vet put in a line of sodium pentobarbital and checked her heart and then told us she was gone. just like that. she slipped away from us, from this world.
i had been crying off and on since the vet arrived, and after that it was hard to keep the tears from streaming. then we helped the vet wrap up kaya's body. the blanket he had was a bit too small to cover her easily, so it took some effort and both rob and i squelched the desire to tell him to be more gentle, that maybe it was hurting kaya. we were so caught up in this task and grieving, we had quite forgotten about ozzy, until we all heard a sound and looked up. there was ozzy, standing there watching us wrap kaya, he had this terribly distressed look on his face and he started to cry. rob was telling me to get ozzy out of here, and i'm struggling to get to my feet fast enough to take him away from the scene. and i'm imagining how horrifying it must be to see us there on the floor wrapping up our sweet dog. we honestly didnt think he'd understand or notice anything at 14 months of age, but we didnt give him enough credit. i hope we didnt traumatize him for life.
rob carried kaya's body down the stairs to the vets car to be taken to the crematorium. i stayed inside with ozzy. i did peer out once to see the car. i imagined some kind of hearse, but it was the vet's SUV. i couldnt picture kaya back there. i couldnt picture her going away from our home. in my mind, though i could no longer see her, i imagined she was still here. rob, though, carried her down the long front steps, put her in the car, and watched the car drive away with our girl. when he came inside, he was taking big gulping breaths through his sobs, he sat down in the dining room, face in his hands. i hugged him as he sat and cried with him until ozzy came toddling over and demanding to be held, "up! up!" i picked him up and hugged him tight, still crying. he struggled to get out of my too tight hug so i put him back down.
we decided we would wait until the next day, after school to tell mimi. when she came home that night, we got her ready for bed. she didnt notice anything unusual. same the following morning. rob took mimi to school. when he came home he told me a number of his friends had sent him a link to read the Rainbow Bridge poem. i had read it in my search for ways to talk to kids about death. i guess it comforts some, but it seemed like a paltry attempt at soothing such a great loss as we felt for kaya. the night before, i had finished a slideshow tribute for kaya with the song Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakawiwo'. i think i watched it 3 or 4 times that day while mimi was in school, tearing up each time.
when mimi came home from school, rob and i sat her down to tell her the news. i started by reminding her about how sick kaya was and told her that she had died, that her body had stopped working (later that evening, she would tell her grandma that kaya had died because her batteries stopped working). she was still for a moment processing this info. then her face scrunched up in sadness and she said thru her sobs, 'i dont want kaya to die.' i held her and i couldnt stop crying either. and then rob held her. and together, we answered all of her questions as best as we could . and when she asked if we could bury kaya's body, we explained that kaya had been cremated. since mimi didnt get a chance to really say goodbye to kaya when we did, we knew it was important for her to be able to do so and gain closure, so we asked her if she wanted to say goodbye to kaya and take kaya's ashes to her favorite places.
i gave mimi the urn which she insisted on holding all the way down to the large field where kaya like to play fetch. rob was concerned she might drop it and break it, but she held on tightly and when i offered to carry it for her she told me, "no thanks, i should carry her because she was very special to me." i helped mimi scatter the ashes on the large open field and then we walked to the playground where kaya often accompanied us to sprinkle the rest, as we left the field, mimi says into the urn at the ashes, "come on, kaya. let's go to the playground". when we got near the playground, mimi spoke softly into the urn, saying, "kaya, i love you, kaya. i'm gonna really miss you." then she sprinkled out the last of the ashes.
we stayed on the playground, which is right by our house and sat on the swings and remembered all the good times we had with kaya. and as we were swinging, mimi looks up into the heavens and there, though there hasnt been any rain for days and barely any clouds in the sky, there very clearly, stretched a huge, bright beautiful rainbow, hanging over the rooftop of our home, shining down on rob, mimi, ozzy, and me.
(w/sound)
finding out about kaya's illness The Diagnosis
getting mimi ready for kaya's death Explaining Death to a Five Year Old
mimi's goodbye picture to kaya
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