i am nearing the end. just 3 and a half more weeks to go. i'm so tired all the time. it's tempting to just tell my OB to schedule a c-section as soon as possible so i can just get this baby out of me! but no, i really would rather avoid another surgery if possible. i hired a doula this time around for baby 2 because i felt so depressed, lonely, and stressed out about childbirth the first time around with mimi. and for years afterwards had deep anxiety related to the events of mimi's birth and my feelings of loneliness and fear during the whole labor/delivery. it really upset me that i could not look back at the birth of my first child with anything feeling other than sheer horror. i want this second time around to be different. i want it to be a happy day in my life not one that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my days.
so i have been reading and planning and discussing and trying to keep a positive outlook in preparation for the impending delivery. it has been emotionally draining and some days i have nothing left in me to keep my spirits up. it helps when i can talk to someone who is encouraging...like my doula, or a friend who is rooting for me. but there are many days when i encounter people who have doubts about my ability to have a regular childbirth experience and it makes me start to feel scared, lonely, and anxious all over again.
today was one of those days. i met up with my OB to discuss my birth plan and while he was very open to discussing the topic, he did tell me that in his honest opinion, he didnt think it was going to work out for me based on what happened with mimi. he told me if he had been my doctor he would have made the call for a c-section 3 hours after failure to progress, rather than waiting 12 hours. it made me rather nervous when he said that. it made me wonder how quickly he will make the call for another c/s this time around with baby 2. while i dont want to jeopardize the health of my baby, i also do not want to subject myself to another major surgery if it is unnecessary. i just pray there is no sign of fetal distress because my OB gave me some indications that he will precede with a c/s if there is any sign of distress...even though distress if often normal in babies during episodes of strong contractions in normal deliveries.
i feel so lost right now. i hate that i have to make a decision one way or another. i hate that my previous c/s has forced me into a position where none of my choices are free of risk and fear.
so i have been reading and planning and discussing and trying to keep a positive outlook in preparation for the impending delivery. it has been emotionally draining and some days i have nothing left in me to keep my spirits up. it helps when i can talk to someone who is encouraging...like my doula, or a friend who is rooting for me. but there are many days when i encounter people who have doubts about my ability to have a regular childbirth experience and it makes me start to feel scared, lonely, and anxious all over again.
today was one of those days. i met up with my OB to discuss my birth plan and while he was very open to discussing the topic, he did tell me that in his honest opinion, he didnt think it was going to work out for me based on what happened with mimi. he told me if he had been my doctor he would have made the call for a c-section 3 hours after failure to progress, rather than waiting 12 hours. it made me rather nervous when he said that. it made me wonder how quickly he will make the call for another c/s this time around with baby 2. while i dont want to jeopardize the health of my baby, i also do not want to subject myself to another major surgery if it is unnecessary. i just pray there is no sign of fetal distress because my OB gave me some indications that he will precede with a c/s if there is any sign of distress...even though distress if often normal in babies during episodes of strong contractions in normal deliveries.
i feel so lost right now. i hate that i have to make a decision one way or another. i hate that my previous c/s has forced me into a position where none of my choices are free of risk and fear.
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