**same entry as "sad", just changed the title...this one felt more accurate, in line with change and growth.
i got caught up the other night looking at old videos and pictures of mimi when she was just a wee thing. i was trying to figure out how to save it all on to an external hard drive that kept telling me that it was not writable. it took my genius husband all of 2 minutes to fix the problem for me, after i whined about it not working on a mac for HOW long? weeks! MONTHS, maybe. anyway, i digress, i was starting to move things from my computer to back it up on the firelite, and got caught up looking at mimi's old videos and pictures and i tell you it made my heart hurt.
i literally felt a pain of sorts. the kind of pain that comes from loving someone so much and with that much love, the pain that comes from any thoughts of losing anything about that person. i looked at her sweet babyish face in those pictures, the funny squeaky toddler voice on the videos, and i missed her so much. i missed the girl that she was. and i came to the realization that she will never be quite this way ever again, and it hurt.
every day, as she grows and sheds her old ways, molting into a newer version of herself, i lose a bit of her, until mimi 1.0 is barely hinted at. and while one might think, 'oh well, you have another baby. you can have it all back again.' sadly, it is not so. there is only one mimi. she is an original. no one can be like mimi.
recently, i was at, my friend, Hope's house for her son's first birthday party. i watched as she clutched him close to her as she gave him a bottle, held him tightly to her in an almost desperate way to stop time, stop him from growing up, as if by holding him tight to her, she could hold on to him like this forever. and i remembered how much it saddened me, too, when mimi was around that age and seeming to grow up so fast, learning new things faster and faster at a roller coaster pace and i could almost see her packing up her bags to go off to college, and it panicked me because i couldnt see myself ever being ready to let her go.
this fall mimi starts kindergarten. i am going to be a total mess.
excuse me...i think i'm going to go and hold tight to ozzy, now, and see if i can't freeze time or at least slow it down.
i got caught up the other night looking at old videos and pictures of mimi when she was just a wee thing. i was trying to figure out how to save it all on to an external hard drive that kept telling me that it was not writable. it took my genius husband all of 2 minutes to fix the problem for me, after i whined about it not working on a mac for HOW long? weeks! MONTHS, maybe. anyway, i digress, i was starting to move things from my computer to back it up on the firelite, and got caught up looking at mimi's old videos and pictures and i tell you it made my heart hurt.
i literally felt a pain of sorts. the kind of pain that comes from loving someone so much and with that much love, the pain that comes from any thoughts of losing anything about that person. i looked at her sweet babyish face in those pictures, the funny squeaky toddler voice on the videos, and i missed her so much. i missed the girl that she was. and i came to the realization that she will never be quite this way ever again, and it hurt.
every day, as she grows and sheds her old ways, molting into a newer version of herself, i lose a bit of her, until mimi 1.0 is barely hinted at. and while one might think, 'oh well, you have another baby. you can have it all back again.' sadly, it is not so. there is only one mimi. she is an original. no one can be like mimi.
recently, i was at, my friend, Hope's house for her son's first birthday party. i watched as she clutched him close to her as she gave him a bottle, held him tightly to her in an almost desperate way to stop time, stop him from growing up, as if by holding him tight to her, she could hold on to him like this forever. and i remembered how much it saddened me, too, when mimi was around that age and seeming to grow up so fast, learning new things faster and faster at a roller coaster pace and i could almost see her packing up her bags to go off to college, and it panicked me because i couldnt see myself ever being ready to let her go.
this fall mimi starts kindergarten. i am going to be a total mess.
excuse me...i think i'm going to go and hold tight to ozzy, now, and see if i can't freeze time or at least slow it down.
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