today i felt a pang of regret as i heard my child tell me for the umpteenth time this day that "nobody listens to anything i say!" this statement finally sank in with all the force of her sadness and powerlessness as we were leaving the pottery barn kids store, where she was playing happily alongside another little girl in the play kitchen. i told her we had to leave, and as the big person who can call all the shots, i told her to say goodbye to her friend, and confident she would follow me out, strode out of the store. mimi trudged along pouting next to me and announced truculently , i dont want to go! i want to stay and play longer! i told you we have to stay!
i said, "mimi we parked all the way on the other end of the mall and i still have one more errand to run before we go home. we are running out of time. if we had more time, of course you could stay longer and play. i'll tell you what, i'll hurry at the next store, and if you move quickly w/me, we MIGHT have time to play at the play center before going home." as i spoke, a part of me thought what i was saying sounded pretty fair, but as the words came out of my mouth, i wondered really how she must feel, forced to follow me on my time schedule, do things as my time permitted her...ahh, this is why teenagers rebel and cant wait to have their freedom from their parents.
i really truly felt so sad for her. dont know if it's because i'm hormonal from the pregnancy or b/c we just saw Horton Hears A Who this morning (which i cried through), but i felt especially empathetic towards her today.
mimi looks at me sadly and says, "nobody listens to anything i say." and i realized she had said those very words to me today no less than 4 times as i shuffled her from one place to the next. while i do so much for her, i could still see it from how it must feel from her side when really most of the day to day stuff is dictated by me or her teacher as to the what, the where, the when, the how, and the how long. i try to give her choices (albeit w/some limitations) and try to make time for things that she wants to do, but the vast majority of decisions are made and imposed by me. as she uttered those words to me again this day, i felt her smallness and how insignificant i probably made her wishes feel and my heart went out to her.
thankfully, she is still but a small child and her attention was immediately caught by all the pretty things at a store we were passing by (The Pumpkin Patch) and she seemed to perk back up, my transgression momentarily forgotten. i liked the little girls shoes in there, so we went in to buy her a pair and she was immediately taken with shopping for 'the baby' running from rack to rack saying 'how about this pretty?" and brings me a pretty baby dress.
i say, mimi, the baby is a boy. that dress is for a baby girl. to which mimi says, then i want a baby girl! too late, i tell her, he already turned into a boy. so off she goes to look at baby boy clothes and comes back with a snowsuit. no mimi, when baby boy is born he will be born in the summer when it's hot! and mimi, growls and harrumps and lays flat on her back on the dirty floor. i tell her that floor is filthy...do you know how many people probably walked in from the streets and dirty bathrooms and then walked all over that floor where you laying and rubbing yourself all over?! disgusting! i say in my most scandalized voice. and immediately the pout comes back and she says, "you wont let me do anything!" and i'm back to being the mean mom on her @#$%list again. but she does get off the floor and comes to stand next to me.
i dont feel a victory. i dont feel glad that she listened to me. i did feel sad that she felt so powerless. the rest of the time at the mall, i tried not to be so controlling and let her do as much as her little self was able: push the elevator buttons, lead us as we walked the mall, help make decisions while we browsed, order her own snack and pay with money, carry a bag (even though it was clearly too heavy for her and she was literally dragging the giant bag even with the handles hoisted up to her chin...but she was determined...she dragged that bag for a good 3 feet before she gave up and conceded that it was a big persons job).
i hope she comes to know, that i do care about her and i do HEAR her and what she says does matter to me, even though she's just a little person. and i have to be better at opening my ears to really hear that small little voice b/c ultimately i'm the one who is responsible for keeping her safe and happy.
i said, "mimi we parked all the way on the other end of the mall and i still have one more errand to run before we go home. we are running out of time. if we had more time, of course you could stay longer and play. i'll tell you what, i'll hurry at the next store, and if you move quickly w/me, we MIGHT have time to play at the play center before going home." as i spoke, a part of me thought what i was saying sounded pretty fair, but as the words came out of my mouth, i wondered really how she must feel, forced to follow me on my time schedule, do things as my time permitted her...ahh, this is why teenagers rebel and cant wait to have their freedom from their parents.
i really truly felt so sad for her. dont know if it's because i'm hormonal from the pregnancy or b/c we just saw Horton Hears A Who this morning (which i cried through), but i felt especially empathetic towards her today.
mimi looks at me sadly and says, "nobody listens to anything i say." and i realized she had said those very words to me today no less than 4 times as i shuffled her from one place to the next. while i do so much for her, i could still see it from how it must feel from her side when really most of the day to day stuff is dictated by me or her teacher as to the what, the where, the when, the how, and the how long. i try to give her choices (albeit w/some limitations) and try to make time for things that she wants to do, but the vast majority of decisions are made and imposed by me. as she uttered those words to me again this day, i felt her smallness and how insignificant i probably made her wishes feel and my heart went out to her.
thankfully, she is still but a small child and her attention was immediately caught by all the pretty things at a store we were passing by (The Pumpkin Patch) and she seemed to perk back up, my transgression momentarily forgotten. i liked the little girls shoes in there, so we went in to buy her a pair and she was immediately taken with shopping for 'the baby' running from rack to rack saying 'how about this pretty?" and brings me a pretty baby dress.
i say, mimi, the baby is a boy. that dress is for a baby girl. to which mimi says, then i want a baby girl! too late, i tell her, he already turned into a boy. so off she goes to look at baby boy clothes and comes back with a snowsuit. no mimi, when baby boy is born he will be born in the summer when it's hot! and mimi, growls and harrumps and lays flat on her back on the dirty floor. i tell her that floor is filthy...do you know how many people probably walked in from the streets and dirty bathrooms and then walked all over that floor where you laying and rubbing yourself all over?! disgusting! i say in my most scandalized voice. and immediately the pout comes back and she says, "you wont let me do anything!" and i'm back to being the mean mom on her @#$%list again. but she does get off the floor and comes to stand next to me.
i dont feel a victory. i dont feel glad that she listened to me. i did feel sad that she felt so powerless. the rest of the time at the mall, i tried not to be so controlling and let her do as much as her little self was able: push the elevator buttons, lead us as we walked the mall, help make decisions while we browsed, order her own snack and pay with money, carry a bag (even though it was clearly too heavy for her and she was literally dragging the giant bag even with the handles hoisted up to her chin...but she was determined...she dragged that bag for a good 3 feet before she gave up and conceded that it was a big persons job).
i hope she comes to know, that i do care about her and i do HEAR her and what she says does matter to me, even though she's just a little person. and i have to be better at opening my ears to really hear that small little voice b/c ultimately i'm the one who is responsible for keeping her safe and happy.
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