And the Darwin Award Goes To...

i remember the first time mimi was diagnosed with a severe peanut allergy nearly two years ago. the doctor sat with me and told me it was very serious and i had to check everything that mimi ate for even the slightest amount of peanut protein and that i must carry an epinephrine shot for mimi whereever we went. it was a stressful time, and since that day i could never let my guard down and lived in constant fear that one day some kid somewhere would hand mimi a peanut butter cracker and that would be the end of it.

for two years, mimi never ingested any peanuts. i continued my somewhat fanatic vigilance, always asking restaurants "what oil do you cook with?" and "are you certain there are no peanuts in this dish?"; reading labels on everything i buy at the grocery store and very often sadly putting products back on the shelf that i used to enjoy b/c it's been 'processed in a plant that also processes peanuts." ; i kept her meds up to date at her preschool several times throughout the year (a school for which i am so thankful for every day b/c their hypersensitivity to food allergies supersedes even my own fanaticism --a laudable commitment to keep all kids safe while in their care); i try to make sure to constantly inform anyone who brought food to our home, or invited us to eat at their home, or anytime i must leave her in someone else's care, about her peanut allergy (nothing like handing an epinephrine shot over to someone and basically telling them they are responsible for whether she lives or dies! they would usually be visibly taken aback when they saw the shot, and be like, 'wait a minute, i didnt know this is what i signed up for!').

so, for two years, all seemed well, in control, and while i never stopped being worried for mimi, i was at least starting to feel a small sense of security. and then, yesterday, when rob came home, holding mimi in his arms, and says to me, "please dont yell at me" i felt my whole world come crashing around my ears. rob had taken mimi to Panera for lunch and mimi had asked for a peanut butter jelly sandwich. without thinking rob bought her the sandwich. even after she began to react to the peanut butter, it still took a while for it to register in his brain. when he finally realized what had happened, he rushed home, and there he was standing in the living room holding her and telling me not to be mad.

i felt a sense of surrealness as i searched for her benedryl and in my head i was replaying that day two years ago when she ate one bite of peanut butter and she immediately started crying as her lips turned red, swollen, and surrounded with hives. without hesitation i gave her a dose children's benadryl and within minutes, all was well. so, this day, a part of me kept saying, it'll be okay, it'll be like that first time. only it wasnt.

the benadryl seemed to do the trick at first...the hives and redness around her mouth seemed to subside. so, lulled into a false sense of security (now i know, for up to four hours after ingestion, the anaphylaxis can skyrocket at anytime, and could take several rounds of treatment to get it under control), rob took her out to run an errand at a nearby garden center. they were gone for just a few minutes before he walks back in again carrying her in his arms. this time her left eye was swelling and hives were forming around it. she seemed lethargic (probably from the benadryl), so rob put her on the couch, and then i noticed her coughing and constant throat clearing and i became alarmed. the benadryl apparently wasnt enough to stop her body's response to the peanut butter.

i didnt know what to do. i started to second guess myself and become panicky. rob told me we should just give it time, but i knew this was only going to get worse and SOMETHING needed to be done, but was too freaked out to think clearly, so not knowing what else to do, and freaking out too much to administer an epi-pen (that in itself was freaking me out...in retrospect, i should have had rob, who was much calmer than i was at the time, to administer the shot), i told rob we had to take her to the hospital.

we got in the car and mimi starts squirming in her seat, coughing all the while, and i notice she's trying to scratch her chest, but the 5 pt car seat harness is in her way and she starts fussing b/c she can't get to it. rob is meanwhile unloading the damn mulch from the back of the car!!! finally he gets in the car and we head to ER, just down the road, but it didnt feel like we were getting there fast enough, and i kept wondering if mimi was going to be okay, or if she would stop breathing altogether.

and there i was in the hospital, telling the lady at the front desk that mimi ate peanuts, another nurse was immediately there by my side and taking me to a room. she asked me what happened and as i told her she began setting up to start an IV on mimi. poor mimi, itching, coughing, and crying b/c she could sense some shots were forthcoming, saying, are you going to give me a shot? i dont like shots! it's going to hurt!

but (she's such a good girl) she was able to gather up her strength and say in a bracing tone, i'm going to be brave! so they were able to insert the IV into her little hand (for the epinephrine and steroids) and to give her another shot in her upper arm (antihistamine). she was clearly terrified, but she held strong. they strapped her thumb with a device to monitor her oxygen to make sure her airways were open, and then taped on more wires on her chest to monitor her heartrate, which was accelerated from the epi.

we sat there for 3 hours with mimi hooked up to wires and tubes and laying on the bed... and the whole time i sat there, fighting back tears...rather unsuccessfully, and feeling just how powerless i was to protect her. she cant live in a bubble, she can't be with me every second of every day...how could i possibly keep her safe every day for the rest of her life???? it was such a daunting feeling and one big fear i had carried with me for more than two years but had over time lulled myself into believing was going to be okay.

we were very lucky that this time around her reaction to the peanuts was slow...that is, that there was time to get her treatment after exposure to the allergen. but we were warned that next time it could be much more severe, as is typical with each subsequent exposure to peanuts, and it could happen very fast. so we need to be on our guard...i cant hesitate to give her the epi shot the next time it happens, and after meeting up with her pediatrician today, was also advised to keep two shots on hand at all times, in case we are not able to get her help within 15 minutes and the epi wears off, then she'll need another injection to buy us more time. they let us go home with a prescription for more steroids and warnings to continue to monitor her for possible relapse, until the peanut butter had completely left her system.

was i mad at rob? i was feeling too sad and scared about it all to be mad. and besides, i could tell this whole episode was making him positively sick...he seemed to be doing an adequate job of beating himself up without my help. i was actually not surprised that he had forgotten. i never had the feeling that he regarded her allergy with as much concern as i. it had not been the first time he had forgotten about her peanut allergy; buying her candy with peanuts, or bringing home ice cream with peanut butter tracks, or buying peanut butter girl scout cookies.. usually, i'd catch it before she ate any, and i'd admonish him about it, but he'd pretty much roll his eyes at me like i'm the crazy one to be so worried all the time. i think this has taught us that you can't be too vigilant in this case.

and i think when a husband puts his wife through such anguish of nearly wiping out his one progeny, in addition to henceforth learning to be more responsible for the care of his child(ren), that diamonds for the wife's grief are also appropriate and warranted.