the tree is such a happy part of christmas for me and i want it to be a happy thing for my kids as well. when people say they aren't putting up a tree, inside i'm sucking in my breath, aghast at the notion that some people dont want to put up a christmas tree. i have such happy memories of my dad putting up our old fake christmas tree and my sisters and i hanging up all the ornaments we ever made in grade school and the garish silver and gold garlands, and stringy silver 'icicles', and multi colored lights that my dad set to a timer so that you could adjust the blinking rate. and then gathering in front of the tree for holiday pictures. ( i have got to find those old pictures when i go down to hampton next time!)
and so when it's time to decorate the tree, i always start with enthusiam, but when faced with dealing with all the tree parts to put together and all the branches to fluff (this is definitely one example of why a real tree is so much better!), that enthusiam definitely wanes quite a bit. i know rob doesnt look forward to dragging up all those heavy parts from the basement to the main level. and since our tree is 12 feet tall, that's a LOT of tree for him to carry upstairs! then he has to take out the big ladder put up the last 3 sections of a five section tree. and then hunting around for all the cords to plug into one another (it's a prelit tree). then i go around looking for all the burned out bulbs to replace. and then finally, we can get to my favorite part, which is the ornaments. when the ornaments come out, then mimi can help and it brings the whole family together. or supposed to.
this year, decorating the tree took much longer because ozzy needed to be cared for, so i just didnt have the same kind of time to devote to the tree the way we did last year. while i was sitting around nursing and holding ozzy, mimi was busy unpacking every single ornament and insisting on hanging it up on the tree. if i left her to do it, only the bottom of the tree would get any ornaments, so i asked her to just set them aside. she unpacked every ornament and placed them on the window sill in a tangled heap which rob and i had to later untangle. as she was unpacking ornaments she found a red glass ball that our friend Hope had given us. it had been a pair but this year there was only one. mimi held it gingerly with both hands and carefully placed it on the couch and announced to me, 'mom, remember last year, when i broke the ornament that looked like this one? i'm being so careful now, mom. see?" i was surprised she remembered that. i guess this is the age where they remember all the stuff that happened a year ago. i remember that day when the ornament broke.
rob and i were talking in his office when we heard the sound of shattering glass. rob went to mimi and found her hiding behind the couch and when he walked over to the tree, he found the shattered remains of an ornament that had fallen from the tree and hit the metal air register on the floor behind the tree. he asked mimi what happened. she closed her eyes and said, "i'm sleeping." (her way of shutting down.) she was terrified that we would be mad at her. rob told her he wasnt mad and just wanted to know what happened, she started to snore loudly. finally , he got her to stop pretending sleep and talk to him. she said she only wanted to hold the ornament and it fell and broke. then she started to cry, and she cried for a long time, even though we told her it was okay. that was last christmas.
this year, i was really looking forward to spending time with mimi and decorating the tree with her and sharing the stories behind all the ornaments we have. we received many of these ornaments from our friends the year we moved into our current home. the year i was pregnant with mimi, we received a bunch of baby girl ornaments. and when i left teaching, i received ornaments from my students. and there's some white house ornaments that rob's mother gave us, one each year. and the old ornaments from rob's childhood, including one he made in grade school with a picture of himself in it. and the ornaments that i've made each year with a picture of mimi and kaya (this year, i'll have to make one with mimi, kaya, and ozzy's picture). last year i made mimi's santa list into a small ornament that i hung up. each year, i want to save her santa list to add to the tree.
but this year, it was really hard to find the time and energy to decorate the tree with mimi... so instead, i ended up just putting up the decorations this evening while she and ozzy slept, just because our house was in total upheaval for days already and i was making such little progress. i know mimi will be disappointed tomorrow with me because i didnt wait for her to help. she wants to help me do everything these days. lately she complains to me that she doesnt get to help me take care of ozzy enough. i let her fetch me his diaper stuff, i encourage her to entertain ozzy when i can't get to him when he's fussing, and i let her hold him (w/supervision of course), but it's not enough...she wants to take charge.
the other day, she was playing with him on the floor and he flipped over from his tummy to his back and started to fuss, so mimi went over to him and flipped him back over but she flipped him pretty hard and he did a 360 roll right back onto his back and i heard his head thump on the ground (on the carpet). he didnt seem upset and didnt seem hurt, but that still scared me and i must have yelled louder than i thought or sounded really upset when i said, "mimi! be careful! ozzy can get hurt!"
she instantly got an angry face and told me that i dont let her do anything to take care of ozzy. i told her that taking care of the baby was mommy's job and that it was my job to keep him safe, but she could talk to him and play with him gently. but mimi was very mad and upset and told me she wanted me to leave this house. she didnt want me to live here anymore and that she didnt love me anymore. all the while she's got her arms around my neck and is clinging to me, crying into my shoulder. i realized it was dinner time and she was probably hungry and this could very well be a low blood sugar episode, so after calming her down, i made her something to eat and she seemed to be in a better mood soon after.
the next day, ozzy was fussing while i was trying to get dressed for the day. i said, mimi will you talk to your brother? he's fussing. mimi, doesnt move from her spot on the couch watching t.v., and just answers me calmly, no. that's your job. your his mom, you've got to take care of him. i'm just a little kid.
and she is right, it is not her job to take care of ozzy, but i could sense it wasnt that she didnt want to take care of ozzy. rather, it was that she didnt want to be on my side and helping me. at times like this, i realize how much mimi really needs time to just be alone with me. we have really lost that connection that mimi used to call "just mimi and mommy." i was hoping to have some of that time with her decorating the tree and building the same kind of happy memories i had with my dad and sisters when i was little. but guess i was foiled again by my inability to do more than just care for ozzy.
as a result, this year, decorating the tree lacked the usual joy. it's finished, for what it's worth, but even as bright as all the lights and ornaments are, because i didnt get to share it with mimi, it seems to be missing the magic.
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